The Slytherin Lorelei
by beckytiger
Summary: Ron is ensnared by Lorelei, Hermione is not amused, there are a few nasty incidents, and some slugs. Harry and Hagrid turn green. Now complete - please tell me what you think.
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: everything except Lorelei and the plot belongs to J.K. Rowling. I will profit in no way from this. Lorelei is my own, and is based on no person, real or fictional, living or dead.  
  
The story takes place in their fifth year sometime. Funny stuff happens and Harry turns green at the end.  
  
  
Chapter One - His Jaw Drops.  
  
"Ah, Mr Weasley, I don't think we'll have you working with Potter today." sneered Professor Snape. "Potter, you can work with Granger, and you, Weasley, can partner our new Slytherin student when she arrives." Ron scowled darkly and clattered his ingredients and instruments round in an annoyed way. Snape turned to the door.  
"Here you are, Miss van der Vork. You are five minutes late. I think we'll make that five points from Gryffindor, since none of them gave you directions. I expect they thought it would make them look good if you were late. Sit here, with Weasley." Snape pointed at the now slack-jawed Ron.  
"Today we are making Befuddlement Brews, but perhaps Mr Weasley should be excused from class today ont he grounds that he doesn't need one." Snape's lips curled, and the Slytherins gave a chuckle as Ron's ears went fiery pink and he dragged his gaze from the new girl. Snape waved his wand at the blackboard and it filled with instructions. He began to explain the potion, and Ron's gaze drifted back to the new Slytherin.  
"I'm Lorelei Van der Vorks." she announced the instant Snape stopped talking.  
"Ron Weasley." muttered Ron.  
"I've just come from Australia, and this is my first time in England. I love it, except for the rain. It's really sunny and hot where I come from..." Lorelei rattled on quite happily until Snape came round to inspect the potions.  
"I see you have sucessfully tried the potion on Mr Weasley, but perhaps that is not a true test, as I imagine it would take little to befuddle him further." he said to Lorelei, who beamed happily none the less. Ron was pink again, but could not stop looking at her. 'She's so beautiful...' he thought to himself, gazing rapturously at her long, nearly black curls with red highlights, her smooth brown skin and her unusual gold eyes. He gradually left the dungeon, his mind drifting off into worlds of sun and red earth and antipodean voodoo, where this woman would dance around a fire, singing a wild song of prehistory.  
Ron was interrupted in the middle of these pleasant reflections by a thumb in the middle of his back. He turned to see Hermione behind him.  
"What do you want?" he asked irritably. For answer, Hermione gazed around the dungeon in a pointed way, and Ron followed her gaze. All the other students had packed up and were leaving. He blushed, and started to shove his things into his bag, which Hermione held out for him. They joined Harry, waiting at the door of the dungeon, and headed out toward the Dining Hall. Lorelei appeared back round the corner ahead of them.  
"I've forgotten the way to my Common Room." she announced. "Could one of you show me the way?"  
"Of course." volunteered Ron at once. "Here, Hermione, take this back to the Gryffindor Common Room for me, and I'll meet you at lunch." Without waiting for Hermione to answer he shoved his bag into her arms. As she staggered and was righted by Harry, Ron guided Lorelei down the hall. As they turned the corner Harry and Hermione could hear Lorelei gushing.  
"So you're in Gryffindor. Tell me all about it." she enthused. Hermione hoisted Ron's bag to her shoulder. Harry looked at her, concerned. Her face was almost as pink as Ron's ears.  
"My mum told me never to judge a book by it's cover, and never judge a person till you've walked a mile in their shoes." They trudged in silence to their Common Room. Just as they reached it, however, Hermione burst out again: "But I think I just have, and nothing would induce me to walk so much as a metre in those heels she had on." 


	2. Ron is a Tactless Git.

Disclaimer as for chapter one. Anything else? Nope, continues with the story pretty straightforwardly.  
  
Ron is a Tactless Git.  
  
Ron talked continuously about Lorelei for days, and, when he wasn't talking about her, he was talking to her as he guided her around the castle. She couldn't seem to remember simple directions from one classroom to another, and Ron's continual lateness to his classes exasperated Hermione. Not that Hermione was in any way calm and even tempered to begin with. She even went so far as to point out to Ron that someone who couldn't get from the Dining Hall to her Common Room after a week must be a pinhead of the first degree, in the somewhat sour tone she had taken to using when talking about Lorelei. Ron bristled in Lorelei's defence.  
"Remember the trouble we had in our first year?" he asked her. "You just don't make allowances for people, Hermione." Hermione had her mouth open to retort furiously when Ron thrust his bag into her arms, knocking the wind from her stomach.  
"There she is." he said simply. "Take my bag back to the Common Room for me, will you, Hermione?" As Ron headed toward Lorelei, Hermione glared. She handed the bag to Harry.  
"It's your turn to carry it." she said. Harry smiled at her sympathetically.  
"Don't be too angry with Ron, Hermione." he began, "You know what boys are like. We're - "  
"Boorish, shallow, insensitive and easily led by your hormones." finished Hermione with a snap. "Ron is a tactless git." Harry looked concerned, but didn't reply as they headed to the common room.  
  
Later, Harry tried to talk to Ron.  
"Look, Ron, I think you're treating Hermione badly at the moment. Expecting her to carry your bag and help you with your homework and do things for you, while you go off with Lorelei. Is that fair?"  
"Aren't I allowed to have friends other than you two?" Ron snapped angrily, flushing dark red.  
"That's not what I meant..." began Harry.  
"Good!" spat Ron as he marched off.  
  
Tensions were high in the next Potions class. Harry could only assume, with a sinking stomach, that Professor Snape had been born with a malicious genius for contriving the most unfortunate of pairings, when he made Hermione and Lorelei work together.  
Lorelei always acted sickeningly sweetly toward Hermione - whenever they were within Ron's hearing - and constantly talked of Ron in glowing terms. Hermione would answer her icily, and Ron would later berate her for her unfriendliness. Harry had had to intervene on a number of occasions, including one particularly nasty quarrel in which Hermione threatened to give Ron green hair if he implied once more that she was jealous of Lorelei's beauty, since he obviously thought that Slytherin was the pinnacle of beauty.  
Today they were making Scale Solution, much prized as part of Halloween costumes.  
"Ooh, Hermione, you are so lucky to have known Ron for so long." Lorelei cooed, fluttering her eyelashes at Ron, seated a few cauldrons away.. As Ron, in obedience to a command from Harry to watch what he was doing, turned away, Lorelei switched her gaze back to Hermione, and her sweet smile didn't reach her eyes.  
"I know you're jealous, dear," she said in her sweetest voice, "but you needn't make it so obvious." In turn, Hermione's eyes were cold.  
"If Ron has poor taste in crushes, you can hardly expect me, as one of his best friends, to be unconcerned." she countered. Lorelei stiffened slightly.  
"A best friend..." she mused, "How sweet, how....safe. But a man like Ron needs some excitement in his life. Someone a little more dangerous."  
"Of course, we've had such boring times together." agreed Hermione. "Fighting the Dark Lord and uncovering mysteries." Lorelei brushed this aside distainsfully, her face suddenly hard.  
"The fact of the matter is that you have no idea how to attract or keep a man. Unlike me." Lorelei bared her teeth in the merest semblance of a smile. "So, I suggest that you accept defeat with good grace and content yourself with Neville Longbottom like the good Mudblood that you are."  
Hermione's eyes were no longer cold, but blazing. She opened her mouth, but Snape materialised beside the cauldron at that instant. Hermione jumped backward in surprise, knocking a spoon into the potion, which splashed up over Lorelei's face and hands. She was furious.  
"That was deliberate!" she shrieked, already starting to sprout green and yellow scales.  
"Miss Van der Vork, please come forward to get some antidote. Miss Granger, I hardly think you needed to go to such lengths to demonstrate the effectiveness of your potion. Five points from Gryffindor for showing off."  
Hermione's temper had not calmed by the time Lorelei returned, glistening from some red potion Snape had painted over her scales.  
"It will take an hour for this to wear off." she hissed malevolently. "You've gone to far this time. I'll meet you on the top of the astronomy tower at midnight tonight."  
"I will be there." hissed Hermione back, every bit as angry.  
Lorelei stalked out.  
  
------  
  
ok, watch out for the next installment. 


	3. Hermione Defends her Honour

Disclaimer as for chapter one. Continues pretty straightforwardly.  
To Alls Well that Ends Well - no, I am not German, but I do know the story of Lorelei. This is an antipodean Lorelei though; I just transplanted her to the South Pacific and gave her Pacific ancestry.  
  
Hermione Defends her Honour.  
  
Over lunch, Ron upbraided Hermione for her carelessness in splashing Lorelei. Words like 'thoughtless' peppered his speech, and he seemed oblivious to Hermione's flushed cheeks and tightly clenched fists. Harry tried to intervene, but it was too late, Ron had gone too far.  
"Ron, shut up." she snarled, infuriated beyond her endurance. "I do not want to hear anything more about Lorelei Van damn dork, do you understand me?" She ran precipitately from the room, leaving Ron staring indignantly at her retreating back. Harry, looking more anxious than ever, followed her out.   
He eventually ran her to earth in her dormitory.  
"No, I will not tell you what happened or didn't happen, nor what will happen." she sobbed into her hankerchief before Harry could say a single word. Shaken, but undeterred, Harry perched gingerly on the edge of her bed.  
"I know it was an accident, Hermione." said Harry, in what he thought was a soothing voice. "I know you're not to blame." Hermione sobbed harder than ever, and Harry was debating the wisdom of giving her a hug in her overwrought state, when the door burst open.  
"Harry, I have to meet..." started Hermione, but her words were drowned by shrieks from Lavender Brown and Parvati Patil, outraged by Harry's presence in the girls' domitory. Hustled out the door by an indignant Lavender, he had no chance to say anything more to Hermione.  
Back down in the Common Room he found Ron reading a book.  
"Ron," said Harry seriously, "I think something bad will happen between Lorelei and Hermione."  
"Well, I hope Hermione comes off the worst after all the snooty things she has said about Lorelei." Ron sniffed.  
"Yes, but Lorelei is really nasty to Hermione too, Ron. You might not be able to see it, because she's not like that around you, but -"  
"Fine, side with Hermione then." snapped Ron, turning away and picking up his book again. Harry was just about ready to shake his friend, but knew that wouldn't help. 'I'll just have to wait in the Common Room tonight, in case something happens.' he decided.  
  
Harry's vigil was rewarded when he saw Hermione came down the stairs at five to twelve.  
"Hermione," he whispered, "where are you going?" Hermione jumped and gave a little scream. When she saw it was Harry she looked thoroughly relieved. "Where are you going?" he prompted her again, and her relieved look vanished into one of determined anger.   
"Lorelei has challenged me to a duel." she announced in a voice of dangerous calm. Looking at her resolute figure and the fire in her eyes, Harry was very glad that it would not be him facing Hermione's wand that night.  
"Um, Hermione, are you sure that's wise?" he asked tentatively.  
"She called me a Mudblood." Hermione hissed with incredible venom in her voice.  
"What are you going to do to her?" asked Harry in some alarm.  
"I'm going to show her that this Mudblood can kick her slimy Slytherin butt." she declared, and marched out the portrait hole.  
Harry stared after her blankly for a few seconds, before racing up the stairs to the boys' dormitory.  
"Ron! Wake up!" Harry shook his friends shoulder roughly, and Ron gazed up at him blearily. "Ron, Lorelei has challenged Hermione to a duel. She called her a mudblood. They're on the astronomy tower now." Ron jerked completely awake at this, and reached for his jeans and a cloak.  
"Mudblood? I've got to stop them." he rushed from the room. Harry, confident that his friend had seen where his true loyalties lay at last, did not think it necessary to follow. Satisfied, he crawled into bed and went to sleep.  
  
His optimism turned out to be unfounded, as Ron showed him the bruise on his back the next morning. Ron catalogued his injuries; it seemed he had got in the way of a rebounding spell and had been thrown backwards and knocked out.  
"Next thing I knew," he said sourly to Harry, "I was flat on my back with Lorelei holding my head and Hermione standing by uselessly."  
At this, a growl sounded behind them. They turned to see Hermione advancing apon them, infuriated beyond her endurance.   
"So, that's how it happened was it? In fact, I was the one who brought you round and stopped the bleeding, and Lorelei just pushed me out of the way at the last minute so she could gaze into your eyes as you woke up." Hermione grabbed his arm in a vicious hold, and dragged him out of the dormitory, down stairs and corridors, berating him the whole way.  
"Let's just find Lorelei and ask her, shall we? I saw her head out behind the greenhouses, we'll talk to her there."  
Ron had no chance to escape, and she ignored his feeble protests and attempts to reason with her. Still fuming, she dragged him round the corner of the greenhouse - and they stopped dead in their tracks.  
Leaning against the wall of the greenhouse was Lorelei. Leaning against her, very closely, was Draco Malfoy. They were in time to hear his sneering voice drawl:  
"And did you ever fancy that Ron Weasley?"  
Of course not." Lorelei purred. "I only did it to make you jealous and to needle that wretched mudblood Granger." Draco chuckled low in his throat.  
"Naturally, you suceeded at both." He leant even closer, and their lips met in a slow kiss. Ron and Hermione drew their wands together, and shouted their spells. A flash of smoke momentarily blinded them, but quickly cleared so they could see Draco and Lorelei struggling to escape from each other's arms, but unable to, all the while belching slugs over each other.  
"Ron," exclaimed a delighted Hermione, "you've managed to get your slug belching spell right."  
"What's that one you did? It was fantastic." said Ron with enthusiasm as they turned back to the castle. "I'm sorry I didn't believe you about Lorelei."  
"That's ok." dismissed Hermione, with a wave of her hand. "I'm sorry too."  
Their happy camaderie lasted for quite a long time, at least until they reached the entrance hall, where Harry was waiting for them. His anxious look cleared as he heard them start to argue about the exact hold one should use when performing the slug belching spell.  
  
Draco and Lorelei were eventually rescued by Professor Sprout.  
"Who did this to you?" she demanded as she separated them. Draco burped up a very small slug and opened his mouth to condemn Hermione and Ron. Lorelei stepped on his foot.  
"We've no idea, Professor Sprout." she sobbed, shooting Draco a warning look.  
"What did you say that for?" he demanded when Sprout was out of earshot.  
"I have a brilliant plan for revenge." she smirked.  



	4. The Revenge of the Slug-slimed.

Disclaimer as for all other chapters. Story continues straightforwardly, or at least as straightforwardly as it can.  
  
  
The Revenge of the Slug-slimed.  
  
Late that night two shadowy figures crept up the stairs to Gryffindor tower and hid in one of the convenient niches that litter Hogwarts corridors. They did not have long to wait before the portrait hole was thrown back and a cloaked figure hurtled out.  
"Stupefy." hissed one shadowy figure, pointing their wand at the newcomer, who keeled over and was quickly dragged out of sight. The other shadowy figure waited for ten minutes before the portrait hole swung open again and another cloaked figure sprang out. The spell was repeated, and soon the unconscious bodies had been manoveured out of the castle to a glade on the edge of the Forbidden Forest. It had obviously been designed as a romantic retreat - a soft blanket was spread on the ground in front of an oak tree that cast black shadows under the bright moon. An empty jug and two half empty glasses stood next to it with a box of chocolates.  
The shadows threw back their hoods, revealing themselves as Draco and Lorelei. The cloaked figures, now identifiable as Ron and Hermione, were spread out on the blanket. Lorelei spoke at last.  
"See," she said, with satisfaction, "I told you they's fall for the old 'note saying I've gone to fight a duel trick', didn't I?"  
"Yes, but how are we to get them into compromising positions? Like their clothes?" Draco shuddered delicately and grimaced. "I have no desire to strip either of them, myself."  
"I know a spell to use. Turn your back if you're squeamish." Lorelei commanded. She then spread out some frothy pink lingerie over Hermione, and some racy underpants over Ron. She muttered the spell, and Hermione and Ron's clothes reversed themselves, so that their cloaks and pyjamas were now on top. Draco looked mildly nauseated as Lorelei threw the cloaks and pyjamas away, as if abandoned in passion. As she drew a blanket ovr the pair of them, Hermione shivered and snuggled up to Ron, who curled an arm around her possesively in his sleep.  
"You'd think they did this all the time, wouldn't you?" sneered Draco. "Any lingering guilt has completely vanished."  
"You can still feel guilt?" asked Lorelei in surprise. "Nevermind answering." She raised her wand and said a sleeping spell over the two. "There, that should last long enough for them to be discovered, so I guess we can wave goodbye to Hermione and Ron's reputations."  
They walked away arm in arm, still laughing.  
  
  
Harry was worried the next morning when he woke early and discovered that Ron wasn't in the dormitory. Instead, he found a note, saying that Hermione had gone to duel with Lorelei. Harry sprinted over to Hermione's dormitory, where, careful not to wake the other girls, he found a similar note in her bed, saying that Ron had gone to duel with Draco. Clutching both, he ran to Dumbledore's office without pausing, and was relieved to find Dumbledore already up.  
"Please, sir.." he puffed, "Found these... now they've disappeared, not in their beds.." Dumbledore looked mildly alarmed, and took the notes to consider them. As he took his glasses off to reply to Harry, Hagrid burst into the room.  
"Dumbledore," he pleaded, "come quickly, I ain't nivver seen nothin' like it..."  
"Certainly I will come." Dumbledore assured him. "Does it have anything to do with Ron and Hermione?" Hagrid went pale beneath his beard.  
"Yes, I've got Fang guardin' thim." Dumbledore followed Hagrid and Harry followed Dumbledore, turning over in his mind all the ghastly fates that could have befallen his two best friends. Ghastly enough for Hagrid to be almost incoherent, which implied, to Harry, something very serious.  
  
When they reached the glade even Dumbledore was shocked, and Harry felt instantly queasy. The straps of Hermione's rose pink camisole could be seen as she curled against Ron. It was obvious that Ron was not wearing a shirt as he continued to cuddle Hermione close. The blanket had ridden up, showing their bare legs tangled together. Harry's appalled eyes took it all in - the strewn robes, the food, the drink, his (and his stomach dropped at the thought) semi-naked friends.  
"You didn't wake them?" asked Dumbledore.  
"Too shocked." Hagrid choked out. "Nivver would've thought it of thim two. Nivver."  
"Don't worry, Hagrid. I think this is a joke in an attempt to ruin their reputations. Who would want to do that?" Dumbledore turned his bright gaze onto Harry. Fighting to control his feelings of nausea, Harry answered:  
"Lorelei Van der Vork and Draco Malfoy." The whole story spilled out of Harry, Causing Dumbledore to look very grave. At last he turned back to the still sleeping Ron and Hermione, considering the best course of action. Before he could speak, Ron stirred suddenly.  
"Oh, no, they're going to wake up." came Harry's anguished whisper. Dumbledore grabbed both Harry and Hagrid by the arm and firmly propelled them out of sight.  
"There are some things that it is better not to witness." he explained, staring toward the rising sun resolutely.  
  
Back in the glade Ron stretched. Beside him, Hermione stirred too, and wriggled closer. Ron opened his eyes briefly, saw Hermione, smiled, and tucked his arm around her more securely. Hermione too opened her eyes, saw Ron, smiled, and snaked her arm around him, too. There was a peaceful silence. About ten seconds later, their brains registered what thaey had just seen.  
Dumbledore heard the screams and yelling. "Give them a minute or two to get back into their cloaks." he murmured, then slowly led them back to the clearing, where Ron and Hermione, now decently covered, were shouting at each other. Dumbledore's deep voice interrupted them and they spun around, the very picture of guilt.  
"Just who I wanted to see." he said, and Ron and Hermione looked as if the sky had fallen on their heads. "I believe you have been lurd out here by Miss Van der Vork and Mr Malfoy, so we needn't waste our time on explanations. You will have to do a detention, of course, for gluing them together and making them urp slugs on each other, but for the moment let's get you up to the castle before anyone else finds out."  
  
At lunch that day a very relieved looking Ron enthused to a still faintly green Harry : "So, that's all good. Draco Malfoy suspended and Lorelei expelled! And I thought that seeing him as a ferret was the pinnacle of my life." He smiled radiantly, and added: "If I'd known that sleeping with Hermione would have this effect, I would have done it ages ago."  
"Thanks." muttered an equally relieved looking Hermione, and Harry turned greener still.  
"Harry, why are you avoiding looking at us?" she suddenly demanded.  
"Sorry." mumbled Harry. "Just got this mental picture. Can't get rid of it. Tangled up bare legs and Ron with his arm around you. You with your head on his chest." he swallowed hard and looked greener than ever. "Sorry, got to go." He pushed himself away from the table and left the room.  
Hermione looked after him reflectively.  
"Hagrid doesn't seem to able to look at us either." she noted. "I didn't think my legs were that bad."  
"No, your legs are great." replied Ron without thinking. Then he realised what he'd said, and turned bright red. "Not that I looked, or remembered, or even noticed or anything." he hastily disclaimed.  
"Well, I think you've got nice legs too, Ron." squeaked Hermione, blushing as brilliantly crimson as Ron. They looked at each other in considerable embarassment for a few moments, then fled in opposite directions. 


End file.
